I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night