I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
When someone trying to leave me
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…