What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
road rage
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
This meeting could have been a cake
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.