I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.

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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back


I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me


After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.


“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane


You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.


[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*


*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?


Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.


Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up


Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know


friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on