@DallyDoll

I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.

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@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.

@peteholmez

“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane

@SoulYodeler

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

@ChrisScarlette

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

@Book_Krazy

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up

@BeagirlNJ

Don’t kid yourself vegans.

If a cow got the chance he’d eat you and everyone you know

@pilau

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on