I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.