I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.