I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
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best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Cat.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.