Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Dead
Alive
Other✔

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.