Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

How to properly lift a body

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.