Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.