I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

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cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…


Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.


One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens


Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.


US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??


I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.