@Spaced_Cowboy00

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

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@merrittk

cashier: youre so beautiful
me: thank you!
my brain: shes flattering u… to get u to buy more groceries…

@PinkCamoTO

Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

@OctopusCaveman

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

@KeithAshers

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

@P_Liesenhoff

US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??

@OVO_Ty15

I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.