I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

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client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent


“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”


Facebook: Holy Crap, I know this person.

Twitter: Good Lord, I know this person.


Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*


[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?


I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.


[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*


Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this


I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.


I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.