I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
We’ve come full circle
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
my nickname in college
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*Inspirational Tweets*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.