Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.