Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

HELP 😭

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

this site is so cooked lol