Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”