I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.