Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.