I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still