I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better