@SJKSalisbury

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

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@House_Feminist

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@caithuls

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

@DanMentos

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@thetigersez

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@billwurtz

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

@themorris23

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL