Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL