I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks