@SJKSalisbury

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

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@Fickle_Filly

Me: I’m going shopping.

Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I’m divorcing you.

Me: Deal!

@terrill

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@ilovepie84

If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron

@TFriss

If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

@POTerritory

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.

@TravLeBlanc

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

@Cyd10e

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

@themorris23

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

@Canadian_Cutie_

My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.