I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.