Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
No regrets in 2018
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵