I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
