I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Good point.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
