I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.