I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.