I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
You Might Also Like
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If snakes were wide
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …