I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV