Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

#winning

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way