I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao