Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Name another movie that mislead you?

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

dutch so unserious

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂