Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

😂😂😂