I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
You Might Also Like
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.