I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
when someone compliments me
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
There are usually two types of merchants.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”