I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated