Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

this is the news I live for

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.