I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
You Might Also Like
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.