@MumInBits

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

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@Sickayduh

This poster that says “Green Day: Sold Out” is right in two ways

@_stylr

20 years of House Hunters and Hugh Laurie is still alive and kicking. Thank god they don’t seem to be very good at it.

@Brampersandon_

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

@WilliamAder

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

@__ariannalp

crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons

#coronavirus

@wsforbes

I miss you… then I eat something and it goes away…

@CulturedRuffian

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

@acakes421

My note that my mom found…
She hung it on the fridge for at least six months after I wrote it at 8-9yrs old.