Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?