Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Breaking news:

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.