I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”