Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Alexa; make it look like an accident

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.