Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.