Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

#ProTip

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?