Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

based

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

こいつ天才

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?