I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
This line from Airplane.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.