I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.