I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Oh thanks BBC.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
when you are just born a rebel
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.