Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

I need to update my racial profile.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after