I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.