I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
always be there
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids