Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

constantly working on myself.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home