Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

honey, bring out the fine china.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.