Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Help Wanted

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM