I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
The Sun
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
There is wisdom there.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
