Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

Shower sex be like:

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.