Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!