I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
