I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Hotels are back
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
