I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
the clam before the storm
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Support your local cemetery
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
