@dadmann_walking

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

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@MooseAllain

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@dumbbeezie

Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch

@daemonic3

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

@stevevsninjas

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@jwoodham

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

@thedad

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@eedrk

you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor