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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan