[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I stare at the cats.
“And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.”
They look at me in horror.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work