
In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.
Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor