I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Lmao
Never go to sleep after making me angry
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub