Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

🤣

*puts cutlery down*

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.