Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Jesus Christ lmao

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours