I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now