I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
