Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Forever 21… pounds overweight

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.