I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
💯😂
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.