Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Going into Monday like

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*