If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
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Everyone’s family
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no