Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

[ SEXT ]

Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?

Her: Footed pajamas

M: …

H: …

M: …

H: …

M: K, gnight

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM