i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.