i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.