Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

Wow 🤣

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Not today.. 😂