I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
You Might Also Like
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*