I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
i really liked this one
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share