I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.