I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.